Unlocking the Art of Real Self-Care: Your Path to Lasting Well-Being

Hello, Dear Friends,

I'm thrilled to keep my promise and dive deep into the realm of REAL SELF CARE, apologies for the major delay, let's get started! This will be an exciting multi-part series of blogs where we explore the profound concepts from the exceptional book, "Real Self Care" by Dr. Poojah Lakshmin. So, fasten your seatbelts, because we're embarking on a journey that will redefine your approach to self-care.

First and foremost, let me emphasize that this entire blog and website serve as tools to empower each one of you to live your #bestlife, in whatever unique form that may take. I've always believed in the power of diverse tools and methods because there's no one-size-fits-all formula for reaching your best self. Real Self Care isn't some elusive, expensive endeavor; it begins and ends with YOU. You are the key, the catalyst, and the driver of this transformative process.

Moreover, here's a little mind-bender for you: your natural state is well-being. It's not some distant peak we tirelessly strive for; it's our baseline. This is why we call it "disease" when our body and energy aren't at ease—DIS-EASE. Our goal is to be at ease, in our natural state of well-being, and we achieve this through the practice of real self-care. It's a practice because none of us are perfect, and as we evolve, our practice must evolve with us. Rest assured, I'm here to guide you on this transformative journey. It may involve some sacrifice, compromise, and even moments of discomfort, but the rewards are immeasurable.

Now, don't get me wrong—I adore a good bubble bath just like anyone else. I relish facials, quiet moments, meditations, massages, yoga, and all those blissful pursuits—especially quiet time, which is my personal favorite. However, all these luxuries amount to very little if we neglect the core essentials. My own experiences have taught me that indulgent self-care doesn't hold the answers. Let me share a couple of anecdotes to drive this point home.

Early in my consulting career, I had the privilege of working with Atlanta's preeminent spa, where I could indulge in services at any time, free of charge. I had my favorite massage therapist, and I visited him three times a week for hour-and-a-half sessions. Surprisingly, after every session, he'd tell me, "I've never met someone who can get a deep tissue massage one day and still be as tense as you the next day!" This pattern persisted throughout my life. Even when I moved to a different state and took on a high-stress role, I continued with my massage therapy regimen—three times a week—and yet, the tension and pain remained.

I've spent years honing my athletic skills, mastering form, proper breathing, and even stretching my way to a split. But none of these achievements matter if you don't know how to create space in your life—the kind of space that allows you to breathe, stretch, and grow in the ways that matter most to YOU.

So, how do you create this space? What exactly is "REAL" Self Care?

In simple terms: Self-care is an inside job, and it starts with boundaries and values. Yes, it's that straightforward, my friends. I understand it might sound overly simplistic, but sometimes, simplicity is the best approach.

I've been accused of oversimplification and being too relatable since my formative years in psychology classes. However, the rebel in me believes that starting with simplicity and then peeling back the layers is the most effective method.

Let's begin with VALUES, primarily because this is the easier of the two aspects (the other being boundaries). Allow me to share a short story to illustrate this point.

Once upon a time, when I was around 26, I found myself dating someone I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about. Despite my lack of interest, I decided to date him anyway, probably for the wrong reasons. As fate would have it, we broke up about nine months later. However, this breakup hit me differently. I was irritated, perhaps because we came from the same place, and he thought he knew me inside out, making presumptuous assumptions. Or maybe it was because I genuinely admired his family and wanted to maintain a friendship, but not a romantic relationship. Regardless, I was mad—not just at him, but at myself and the entire situation.

That's when I had a stern talk with myself. Looking in the mirror, I realized that I was solely responsible for my emotional well-being. I needed to make radical changes. Back then, it was a significant shift for me because, in my early twenties, I was a people-pleaser, a perfectionist, and believed that I had to be everything to everyone. I was determined to be the best girlfriend, sister, friend, co-worker, daughter, hostess, and more. I wanted to excel in every role while maintaining a social life and seeking approval from my parents, friends, clients, etc.. I aimed to be the BEST at everything.

So, I made a pact with myself. Over the next six months, I committed to two things:

1. I would not date, entertain the idea of dating, or even flirt with anyone.

2. I would engage only in activities that aligned with my true desires and values.

For me, the second promise translated to:

- Spending time only with friends who gave as much as they took energetically.

- Investing my time only in deep connections or friendships with the potential for depth.

- Focusing on my relationships within my family.

- Daily exercise and a green diet with minimal alcohol.

- Daily dancing and writing.

- Self-awareness and inner work to become a better person and find contentment.

- Time spent in nature.

- Balancing my workaholic tendencies and nurturing a work-life balance.

- Creating personal boundaries.

- Making purchases only if I genuinely loved the item.

- Reintroducing meditation and yoga into my life.

- Taking myself on solo dates and adventures.

The result? Among numerous positive changes, I discovered that by focusing on what truly mattered to me and aligning my actions with my values, I experienced daily bliss and profound joy. I felt a sense of lightness and contentment every single day.

The pivotal moment came when my ex-boyfriend called me after our breakup. It was a sunny spring day, and I was driving down Peachtree, crossing Piedmont, heading to meet a friend and visit a bookstore. His call interrupted my journey, and after a few pleasantries, he started to talk about feeling bad about how things ended. As he continued to speak, his words faded into Charlie Brown's teacher's voice, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah…" I didn't hear what he said because I was no longer invested.

Then he asked, "You sound really happy and well—what have you been up to?" I paused for a moment, contemplating whether to share all the amazing things I'd been doing or not. Then, the promise I made to myself echoed in my mind: "Focus only on things that align with your values." So, I replied, "I've been focusing on doing the things and spending time with the people that truly matter to me—it's been fantastic. I am well, thanks for asking!" I ended the call with a pleasant tone and never spoke to him again. It was a liberating feeling that I didn't know I needed. I realized that his name or voice had little impact on me anymore.

The moral of the story is clear: Identify what you genuinely value in life and commit to it. Ignore the rest. To say "fuck it” to the rest, as I put it, you must establish personal boundaries with yourself and others. This ensures that you invest your time, energy, money, and emotional capacity in things and people that leave you fulfilled and positively rewarded, not drained.

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Starting with your core values is an excellent place to begin because these values serve as your energetic bank—the more you value something, the higher the cost or reward. This perspective is invaluable when it comes to setting boundaries. Boundaries act as the security system for your bank. Just as you wouldn't deposit millions in a bank with no security, you shouldn't invest your life's energy without setting personal boundaries.

Now, let's return to Dr. Lakshmin's book, "Real Self Care." Here's how real self-care is defined:

- Originates from within YOU, not external sources like yoga or bubble baths.

- It's the internal process that happens within your mind before engaging in activities like yoga, meditation, facials, or gym workouts.

- It enables you to meet your needs in relationships and effect change in your family, workplace, and larger systems.

- It brings you closer to yourself and what's important to you.

- It requires learning and coping tools to navigate feelings of guilt.

- It may come with a short-term emotional cost but promises long-term emotional gains.

To sum it up, here's a quote from Angela Davis that Dr. Lakshmin uses at the beginning of Chapter 4:

"Anyone who is interested in making changes in the world has to learn to take care of herself, himself, theirself."

This is, after all, the fundamental purpose of parenthood—teaching children to take care of themselves well. So why do we struggle to apply this wisdom to our own lives?

Dr. Lakshmin delves deep into this in her book, but I'll offer a simpler explanation: there's too much noise.

As we grow and accumulate years, even from a young age, we continuously add layers to our definition of self-care. These layers often come from our external experiences and relationships with family, friends, and loved ones. By the time we reach adulthood, we've piled so many bricks that we can't even recall the original definition of self-care. There's too much noise, too many opinions, societal norms, and systemic pressures. The truth is, self-care is highly personal and differs for each individual. While we may share values and expectations, how those values manifest in our lives is entirely up to us.

So, regardless of your life stage, how do you silence the noise and regain control over your world, psyche, emotions, life, and everything else?

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Dr. Lakshmin outlines the first principle of real self-care: setting boundaries. Boundaries are the foundation; without them, none of the subsequent work can happen. Real self-care is about making space for yourself—your thoughts, feelings, and life priorities.

To set your boundaries effectively, consider these key points from Dr. Lakshmin's guide:

1. Put Guilt in the Background:

- Setting boundaries may come with some guilt—either self-imposed or from external sources. The goal isn't to eliminate guilt entirely but to coexist with it and prevent it from derailing your path.

2. Silence the Killjoys & Nay-sayers:

- Identify individuals who might influence your decisions negatively. Those who make you question, "What will they think?" Remember that they don't live your life or bear the consequences of your choices.

3. Know Your Three Choices:

- In any situation, you have three options: say no, say yes, or negotiate. This decision-making framework emphasizes that your boundaries exist within your pause. Take time to weigh the risks and benefits of each choice, and don't rush.

4. Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries:

- Be direct and firm when stating your boundaries. Avoid wishy-washy language or seeking permission.

- Don't ask for permission. Your boundaries are not up for negotiation or co-creation.

- Avoid over-explaining, as this often stems from guilt and can make you appear indecisive.

Starting with your core values and establishing initial boundaries will set you on the path to equilibrium. Personally, I've always aimed for contentment rather than happiness. To me, contentment represents a state where all is well—a river flowing effortlessly around obstacles, much like life when you align with your values and purpose.

Real self-care is about returning to this natural state of well-being within ourselves. It's about creating space, setting boundaries, and learning to live in alignment with our values. It's a journey that leads us to our true selves, where contentment and peace reside.

Now, for additional resources and practical guidance, please refer to Dr. Lakshmin's book, "Real Self Care," and the included Boundary Bulletin Chart I have visualized below.

*The Boundary Bulletin is found at the end of Chapter 5, Real Self Care by Pooja Lakshmin, MD. Creative visual by Chloe Kelsch

Stay tuned for the next part of this series, where we'll delve even deeper into the transformative power of real self-care. Until then, go make your Values list and have fun with it! Can’t wait to hear what drives you!

#RealSelfCare #Boundaries #Values #SelfCareJourney

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